Angry Thanksgiving?!? What I've Resolved
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Why is it?
Why is it that people outside of my family can respect me, treat me kindly, value me as a person; but when it comes to my family ... well, I am treated like the scum of the earth. Let me clarify in a brief summary that I have never been in trouble with the law, I have never been on drugs or been a alcoholic, I have worked hard and completed a Bachelors and a Masters degree. I have a job and take care of myself to the best of my ability, I have no children and have never been married, I am not a control freak, although I am not perfect I do strive to treat everybody with kindness and respect by listening to people when they want me to. I am not a person that yells, in fact most people would classify me as an easy going boarderline passive individual. I acknowledge everybodies birthday with a gift and an early morning phone call, I celebrate their acheivements. However, my family consistently talks over me, belittles my accomplishments and overall disrespects me as an individual. Most holidays that I spend with them leaves me feeling hurt and bewildered - boarderline depressed. Why is that?
I'm Responsible
I cannot answer for my family. I cannot figure my families intent or purpose out. I am responsible for who I am, for being the person that I am and for treating people in a way that I believe is just, which includes respect and kindness. I can accept every family member for who they are, the way that they are without expecting or tryning to change them. While at the same time I am responsible for my own well being, physically, emotionally and spiritually. In other words I am responsible for my behavior, what I take to heart and where I allow myself to dwell.
Conclusion
After suffering through my last horrible experience with my family and leaving completely consumed with hurt and anger(without anyone knowing why or when I left) I have come to a personal resolution (I know, I'm early). Relationships have everything to do with how I relate and if I can't relate to a certain behavior that is hurtful and/or harmful in any way I am not obligated to subject myself to it. Since it is important for me to be respected I will go where I am respected and relate to those who are respectful. Love and kindness are also qualities that I value and that will determine where I chose to spend my time and my holidays, without regret and without the emotional workout. I will not isolate, eliminate or otherwise denounce my family because they will always be that; but I will not subject myself to their hurtful behavior. I will be kind and respectful, that is my only obligation.
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It always takes me time to recover from Thanksgiving with my family, too. The bottom line is, if you got your education, are holding down a job, do your best to be kind, then you are leading a righteous life. Best, Minnow
I agree
Well sometimes the younger generations surpasses and the older generation is jealous. There is no limit to the complexity of human relations. If you understand that maybe its them with the problem you can distance yourself, and when you go be with them their attempts to hurt you wont hurt so much. Like when my aging dad loses it and starts calling me nasty names. I know its only because he is old and has brain rot and I don't take it seriously and I look at the history I have had with him and remember it as a whole, not as he is now, a train wreck falling apart and heading for that last tunnel.
Thanks to all who took the time to read my tirade and offer support and advice.
Darlene, I agree with you - people do what they know they can do and I probably own the best of the collection of books on the subject of boundaries, etc. now it's time to put the contents of those books in action.
Thanks Minnow and Enlydia for the reminder.
Hot Dorkage, I agree and as usual your way with words has brought a smile to my face... "Brain Rot" - that would make an excellent hub. It made me smile because it reminded me of the insanity I went through a couple of years ago while taking care of my grandmother through her "transitioning" period. I have finally realized, just that, the problem is with them and no amount of whining, pleading and heartbreak will resolve the problem... I am ready to move on, thank you for your support.
-peace
I feel your pain. I can only say that I have family members I have not contacted for similar reasons for over 4 years. I am bothered by their conduct, however, I have to move on with my life. I'd rather be by myself then to be around family that has nothing better to do than make my life unhappy during the Holidays.
You could become a Senator and they would say,"Well he didn't make President!" It's their problem... people cut others down because of their own insecurities. Always answer their question with a question......they ask,"So, you're still not married?" You ask,"So, you're still not single?" They are usually speechless and never ask you a stupid question again.
Gook luck and keep smiling! :)
The best thing to do with toxic family members is to limit your contact with them. In the long run you will be much happier.
Good luck and I hope everything works out for you!
DarleneMarie 3 years ago
Maybe they have treated you this way in the past because you have allowed them to. Learning to stand up for yourself may be scary, they will treat you differently if you do...there are a multitude of books on the subject.